Dmitry Semenik - how to improve relationships with parents. How to establish relationships with parents? Complex relationships with parents what to do

Good afternoon, our dear visitors!

What if the daughter-in-law or son-in-law does not develop relationships with the parents of the spouse or spouses, with whom you have to live together?

The protoier of Maxim Kozlov is responsible for this question:

"It seems here the husband and wife should have several different life positions, depending on the different roles they play in family life.

The husband, first of all, should be a defender, as it were, the wall, between his wife and close, together with whom they live. And taking a blow to herself, to protect her from possible attacks, inevitably emerging disagreements and the silence associated with the fact that the economy is different in different ways.

Some wash the plate after each meal, while others, once a day; Some annoying dust on the floor, and the other is unpleasant what is buzzing every day with a vacuum cleaner.

And most often, precisely of such things, family troubles and inconsistencies are developing, and extremely rare - only because of global ideological conflicts.

In fact, if everything is fine with everyday issues, then the issues of worldview do not bring mutual coexistence to an explosive degree. Of course, it happens differently, but more often exactly.

As for the line of the behavior of the daughter-in-law who came to the house to her husband, then, of course, young wife it is important to understand that it is not her hostess here, and as long as they live with their parents, she needs to make the most approved to that organization as much as possible farms and lives that already exist in this house.

Carefully look after, and do not rush to make a revolution. Do not rush to prove that frying potatoes are much more useful than on the creamy, and the Teflon frying pan is immeasurably advantageous before cast iron.

And if she will give up the mother-in-law in this kind of questions, then this is no doubt can only contribute to the Family World.

If we are talking about fundamentally different ideological positions, well, in particular, when the believer wife comes into the house of the believer of her husband, but his unbeliever parents, then it is very important here, from the very beginning, to witness his full with her husband's unity.

After all, as a rule, parents already know that their son is a believing person, that is, other than they. In the event that they never reconciled with this, they will almost inevitably try to use the daughter-in-law as a way to return their child to worldly, or to secular life.

Well, now it will make it form, all this is his foolish - all-night, liturgies, serving in the altar - will come down, and, you look, everything will be fine.

And here the daughter-in-law is very important not to succumb, and do not compromise, but to remain completely united with her husband, even if, because of this, at first, some sorrow.

But for the future it will give much more, both in the relationship of young, husband and wives, and in their relationship with their parents. "

Discussion: 4 comments

Bless, Batyushka. How to be? Husband a priest, and I don't have a relationship with his mother. It is, I have no open conflicts, it's the opposite praises me with me, and Batyushka says that I am very good and the like, But with her children, she doesn't love me with their children, says that I am a bad mother, a bad wife, etc. Is it all the desire to go to visit it, I unpleasant, knowing that it treats that Divo. I am trying to overcome, but I can not ... .. The city plays in me, it's a shame. We have 2 kids (4,1.5 years), she misses them, does not want to come to us, but requires us to It often traveled. These are coming around every week, and naturally, the eldest child is no longer eating in front of communion. She says that the child is still small, it is impossible to torment him so, it was once that before the sacrament gave to whine a pie. (a child knows what to eat it is impossible, and calmly withstands) The girl loves to walk in dresses and skirts, and she says it that it is cold in skirts and uncomfortable, look that grandmother goes to pants, then you can. I do not allow certain cartoons to look, and she says she that you can (we will not tell my mother). How can I be? The fact that I am not allowed, it allows you to knead them in the family, shout , the father she does not listen, says that he does not like children, but does not allow it, then or another. It believes that it is all possible to love children, it's all to allow them and pamper. We now have a difficult situation in Ukraine, everyone goes to Kiev Patriarchate (on Ukr. Serving service), we continue to serve in church-school-Slavyansky, although it comes out, but does not see anything bad that in Ukraine there is only cerrists on Ukrainian. How does she explain to her?

To answer

1. God bless! I advise you not to try to explain her mistaken opinion, but more to pray for my mother-in-law, so that the Lord entered Her. You are given such a cross, tolerate, forgive, pray, humble. According to his own experience, he was convinced that it was always to endure, everywhere, and thank God! For my ministry I had to change several parish temples, and in every temple there is a person one or more, which you tolerate, humble in front of them. I have a mother, father-in-law and mother-in-law - very good, believers, but the Lord gives to tolerate other people. There are several proverbs and sayings on this topic: "God endured and we told us," "No patience is no salvation!". Through patience, man achieves humility. And humility is the foundation on which the entire spiritual life of a person is being built. We are spiritual people, and we all understand everything. But your mother-in-law, as I understood, is still far to such concepts. With her, the Lord will ask less, and with us more. We need to show good examples: the first to forgive, the first to go for reconciliation, the first to pray for the offender. For children, do not prohibit communicate with mother-in-law, but explain that, for example, it is impossible to watch such cartoons. Also pray for your children. There is an icon of the Mother of God - upbringing. Read prayer for children every day. Prayer this icon is not big. There is a prayer for this: "Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, hunt your slave (the name of the mother-in-law) and her prayers are sinful." This prayer greatly helps people to reconcile.
   Help you God!

   To answer

Patty, please advise, how to do. The husband died with my relatives because of the relationship to the Son. For the summer I'll take it to my grandparents, but my brother and uncle comes. Home is small therefore everyone is constantly intersect. Uncle was wrong, saying with his son and others that he was a Yabeda. The husband was angry and spent not very good uncle things, but in such a tone that offended others. There is also my fault that I didn't listen to my husband, he had complaints about my loved ones, and I didn't tell them. Now my mother wants the husband to apologize, and he believes it is to blame the uncle. How to persuade to talk mom with my husband. Of course, I will read the prayers about the world in the family, but the Lord gave people a free will and now much depends on the desire of my loved ones.

To answer

1. Hello, Elena!
   Pray for the world in the family and the instructions of your husband and uncle. The Lord instructs you that you have to be wiser and try not to allow such family problems. Associate a peacemaker is not easy. Rev. Seraphim Sarovsky said such words: "The spirits of the spirit of Miren and thousands of you are saved." For the compassion of a peaceful spirit, it is necessary to clean their soul from passions through regular confession and communion.
   Help you God!

   To answer

A person's life is a change of periods of life, each of which is changing relationships with parents. In adolescence, the absolute majority of people experience a complete lack of mutual understanding with their parents. Trying to call us responsibility, parents brought themselves as an example of themselves and their childhood. "Nowadays ...", - the phrase that every teenager has more than once heard.

A person matures and still remains in his time, different from the time of his parents. It is difficult to meet someone's requirements, even if these are the requirements of the parents when the world around dictates their conditions of existence. Yes, and learn people who, according to children, have achieved little in life, or could achieve much more.

The classic conflict of fathers and children has the current name "complex relationships with parents."

Parents' ratio to their children

Parents are peculiar to idealize their past. Grandparents consider the Soviet Union of the perfect country, accusing the restructuring in her collapse. They do not want to accept the fact of the natural development of events. They are afraid of all new, clinging for the past.

The modern generation grows in the speed era, where changes are the norm. The attitude towards the life changes of parents and children is completely different. For parents is fear, and for children good. Changes require the heart of young, and stability wants a senior generation. Therefore, the slightest, even in appearance, interests or surroundings, changes are perceived by them as a danger. They are not given to understand the desire of young people to all. Parents tend to complicate everything that happens to their children. The problems of children seem to be scary only because they themselves did not encounter such.

The difference between parents and children is manifested in many respects. If it develops into conflict, then it should be recognized that both sides are to blame. Consider the main contradictions of children and parents.

In times of dad and mothers, a girl from a good family should have become a teacher, a doctor or accountant. Other professions simply can not be. Even worse if the family is a dynasty of a certain profession, such as doctors or artists. Everything goes at the rolled path, and in children there are high hopes of the family field in advance. But the child shows the desire to go into another family of activity.

The first reaction: anger and insult. "Ungrateful," Mother screams on the daughter, "we have created all the conditions to you: you will learn at the Department of Aunt Tanya, you will go to the grandfather's department, dad will help with an internet." At first glance, it seems that everything is arranged, except for one "but": no one asked the child's desire. And no matter how right parents are right. It is important that daughter or son think about their future.

Desire to live yourself

For parents, children always remain children. They take care of children, perform a part of household functions, control. Adult children want to build their own life, and this is normal. The decision to leave the parental house to live with a girl or a young man is not a betrayal, but a completely obvious adult stage. If you can ensure your existence, you can say with confidence that they are ready for independent life.

It is said that the daughter-in-law cares mother-in-law if there is a mute gold statue. Of course, this is not so. Still, rarely some of the adults are satisfied with the selection of a son or daughter. The reason for this in the tendency to overestimate its children. The opinion of the parents about the elect or chief, possibly close to the truth, but the offspring is in love, which means that he sees only good. "Eye disclosure" will not lead to objectivity, and the conflict is serving.

In addition, each parent draws his own picture of the future children. In this case, the elected or chosen one is specific. And most often, a living person is different from imaginary.

So, complex relations are made up from a number of inconsistencies. No matter how good you are for your parents, there is always something that the contradictions will arise:

• you spend too much money on clothes;
• you do not eat incorrectly;
• you have the wrong day of the day;
• your girlfriends (friends) are frivolous people;
• you do not know how to conduct a household;
• you are rude talking to relatives, etc.

Stumbling stumbling stumbling stumbling. But still, these are your parents, they wish you good, so they are able to take your life. Need some patience and wisdom.

Time is fleeting. The conflict between the past and the future will always be in the form of a conflict of parents and children. Relationships with parents fold from different indicators, so they are complex. The main thing to remember that parents are not eternal, they love you, although they are able to make mistakes.

The importance of a child's relationship with parents is that as it were, these relationships are not difficult for us, we cannot simply break these relationships. Not only because until a certain age depends on parents financially. But because at any age, our life, our successes, our happiness and even health directly depend on our relationships with parents and from their attitude to us.

Without exaggeration, parental relationships determine all our lives. Personal, family, and our relationship with our own children.

Therefore, we must very carefully treat our relationships with parents and do what is possible to improve them.

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Adult daughters often complain that moms are trying to teach their lives, scolding for the fact that they are wrong or too sharply communicate with husbands. In turn, the daughter's daughters demonstrate their viability and independence, they say, and herself will deal with their lives.

It is necessary to say, in which such situations come out, when one side presents them in the form of claims and morals, while the other does not want to see at least something good in them. In this case, both the mother and daughter suffer.

Is it possible to establish relationships with the mother in adulthood and gain harmony in the family?

"Since mother and daughter, as a rule, associate a very close relationship, they are potentially fraught with many joys, and great pain. A particular pain causes the fact that the other feel the abnormality of irritation and alienation, which, in their opinion, should not arise between them. When it happens, both really suffer, "says Paul Kaplan, Doctor of Philosophy, author of the book" Do not blame my mother "

We will give you a few tips to help get closer to the most expensive person, leaving behind endless quarrels.

Since mother and daughter, as a rule, link very close relations, they are potentially fraught with many joys, and big pain

Stand up in her place.Of course, the nature of conflicts between the mother and daughter can be different, but the overwhelming majority of experts in psychology claim that the maternal dissatisfaction is very often undergoing their own life. An adult daughter is joy and pride, but at the same time, this is sadness in their own youth and unfulfilled dreams.

Health problems, unsuccessful, unrealizations of their own ambitions - lead to a periodic discharge of negative emotions on loved ones.

Maybe it is worth waiting for the right moment and talk to her souls? Try to build a relationship that, without crossing the past, will make a compromise in the present.

Look for balance.American psychologist Paula Caplan advises to look at Mom's life from the side to appreciate its actions in a new way. Generation of our mothers (women who are now in 60) have been brought up in conditions of acute deficit on emotions and intolerance to the manifestation of individual feelings.

As a child, you can keep offended because of the insufficiency of attention, or some actions of your mother, but being an adult woman may be able to understand the causes of such behavior, and try to forgive and accept.

As the mother and daughter are growing up, their desire to break through the established roles of "Mother's daughter" becomes stronger. Psychologists in this case advise to speak with the mother in the full force of your adult personality. Then the mother is more likely to answer you as an adult, and not as a child.

Advise. Mom is very important to know what you need it no less than 20 years ago. Ask her how she prepares her corporate identity, or ask the Council about the tablecloth.

Your mother will see that still remains an authoritative person to whom you contact for help primarily and that its life experience has been copied for years, finds its application.

Yes, you are full of opposites with my mother, but Mom gave you not only life, but also 50% of their genes

Find keys in conversations.Try correctly voice your discontent. Instead of the phrase "you never listen to me, you are indifferent to you that I feel!" You can say "Please listen to me, I'm sure you will understand me," and the words "Of course, you have the most terrible daughter in the world!" It is better to replace on "your praise a lot means for me."

Rethink Mamina Action. We are resentment to the mother for years, not trying to understand the situation, and answer the question, but how we would do in her place. At the same time, the actions that seemed unfair to us may, in fact, be rational and weighted.

The so-called conflict of fathers and children is a topic known for a long time. Very often, the relationship between parents and adult children is not entirely great. Because of this, both children and parents suffer. Thousands of jokes and jokes and mother-in-law and mother-in-law invented not from scratch - the basis of this was the pathological relationship between representatives of different generations. But, there is a way out - you can learn how to build harmonious relationships with your parents. From this article you will learn how to do it.

1. Distance

Unfortunately, the post-Soviet space is still considered the norm, the joint residence of several generations of families in one housing. On the one hand, the current economic situation is to blame for this - many young families simply cannot afford a separate living space. But, the main role in this still plays infantilism. Adult children depressed by the parent hypertension cannot cross the barrier and leave their "comfort zone". But in order to build a healthy relationship with parents, it is best to live separately.

No one says that the adult person does not need parents - it is not. Parents are needed to all, and move to a separate apartment, does not mean at all, to forget about their existence. Just a joint accommodation does not allow an adult child to grow as a person, adopt responsibility, and become holistic. Of course, there are exceptional cases when it is necessary. For example, when parents get sick and need care.

The distance makes it possible to transfer relationships with parents into a sound direction. Yes, it can be at the initial stage painful for both sides, but later such a decision will give a good result.

2. Forget the word "must"

Very often you can hear from adult people "parents should", or "they are my parents, they are obliged." Remember, no one owes anything to anyone. Parents should not live the whole century to live your life. Therefore, do not tie your parents with a sense of debt, and think about what you can do for those people who devoted to your upbringing for many years by posting their needs for the background.

3. Forgive your parents

Baby resentment is a very dangerous thing that destructively acts not only on relationships with parents, but also on the whole path of personal development. If you want to build a healthy relationship with your parents, look into your heart and remove all past resentments from it. Maybe you have been lacking for something in childhood, or parents were too severe to you - believe me, this is not a reason for offense. Sorry and forget everything bad. Your parents acted so not because they do not like you, but because of the fact that they simply could not be easier. Forgiveness will allow you to reach a new level of conscious relationship with those who gave you life.

4. Do not leave them without attention.

As adults, we must understand our responsibility for loved ones and their feelings. When we leave the parent house, our parents are experiencing the strongest psychological crisis, and they need our support. The so-called "crisis of the empty nest" is the period when the life of parents is completely changing, and if the child can consciously help them, the difficult period will pass faster and less painful. How can you help your parents? Here are some tips.

Call more often, you are interested in their health and mood. Do not leave parents without your attention.

Help your parents start a new life, and make it as saturated as possible. Send them to travel, take any interesting hobby.

Help your parents realize that your support and participation will be present in their lives, no matter where you are now.

Show respect for parents - they lived with a sense of responsibility for you and your well-being.

More often show your love.

5. Load your borders

An adult child needs to live an independent life - this is our innate need. But, parents sometimes it is difficult to accept our independence, and it is necessary to treat it with understanding. Irritant: "Mom, I myself can cope with" permissible for the baby of 3 years, which is held another crisis of self-identification. An adult can more respectfully and gently defend its own rights to independence.

Gradually, get rid of parental control, allowing them to feel calm. Do not injure parents with sharp phrases - calmly explain, and most importantly, prove in reality that you are completely able to independently be responsible for your life.

6. Neutralize conflicts

Family quarrels arise quite often. But, if children learn to correctly build their relationships, conflicts can become rare, and most importantly, painless. Learn to repay conflicts even before they trim. You are able to do it, because your parents are not enemies, but the closest people. If you feel that the atmosphere is glowing, do not respond the same. Anger, irritation, anger and other complex emotions are easily repaid by the correct response to them. Answer good, love and understanding is the best way to prevent conflicts.

7. Do not close

Do not be angry with your parents long - immediately put up if I could not hold back the quarrel. Do not close from them, avoid contacts - this is your pain. Try to immediately find time and the opportunity to restore healthy relationships and harmony. Our time on this earth is very limited, and there is no point in spending it on quarrels and insults.

8. Be grateful

Recognition is one of the basic needs of a person. Our gratitude for parents is very important, and they will never tell us about it. Do not perceive the work of your parents as proper. Thank them for all that they gave you, and even just, for what they have. This is one of the ways of manifestation of love and respect. Gratitude helps to align relationships, because parents will feel their significance, value and importance of their presence in your life.

Our parents will always be close people for us, so it is important to build healthy relationships with them. For this you need only a conscious approach to building relationships, well, of course - love.